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Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: June 24th, 2023

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  • "I don’t like to cook in a messy kitchen. You might not understand why this bothers me. And it might not bother you, but it bothers me a lot. So when I ask you to put the dishes away, and they aren’t put away by the time I next want to cook, it makes me feel disrespected and ignored.

    How can we work together to fix this?"

    I want this thing bc I like it is a totally valid feeling. Don’t get bogged down in an argument about how it doesn’t matter if the kitchen is messy. It matters to you and that is important in and of itself. Bc you’re never going to get him to understand why you care about this. He doesn’t and will try to convince you that you also shouldnt worry about this. You need to reframe as “I want this thing, help me get it”

    I say this bc I’m the partner that goes “we don’t need to do X bc …”. I try to avoid this type of problem by proactively asking my partner is this something you’re trying to solve or something you want don’t bc that’s how you like it.



  • Sounds like your values wrt to chores don’t align. If you’ve “tried going on strike” and the result is that he doesn’t care, then maybe this is something that only you care about. And that would completely explain the situation – his goal is to make you happy, so he takes what actions will stop you from complaining, you think he’s learned, and then he goes back to it bc he sees that there’s no more complaints.

    I don’t think anyone has accused you of being an asshole. But it’s possible your standards for living are higher than his. That isn’t necessarily insurmountable, but y’all probably should have that discussion.

    There’s always accusations of weaponized incompetence on these types of posts. And while that’s definitely a real thing that happens, I figure a lot more often it’s laziness/not being interested in the result. I figure this is often a result of not ever living alone. If I don’t wash my clothes, I don’t have clothes to wear. I could be less lazy about using the laundry, or I could own more clothes and do laundry in greater bulk. Some people chose the former. Some chose the latter. I find both acceptable. If I had a partner that would do the chore for me, I’d thank them, but I’d also tell them that I’d get to it eventually and that everything would be fine.


  • Did you specify a time when the dishes had to be washed and put away? It’s obvious to you that it needs to be done before the next meal is prepared, but is it obvious to your partner? Do they typically help you with washing, cooking or putting away if dishes? Did they learn how cooking works as a child? I find it pretty likely that your partner would find it obvious if they thought about it, but most tasks don’t require deep thought.

    Now naturally you shouldn’t really have to put a time limit on chores, but it is a lot harder to separate ignorance from malice if you don’t have clear (and potentially documented) expectations.