I only purchased this toothbrush because that was the only way to get the water-resistant Entertainment Center/Speaker/Corporate Surveillance Device for the one room in my house that is the least comfortable, has the worst acoustics, and has the strongest expectation of privacy, and also I can’t just put a regular Alexa in like a plastic bag or something because I blew my plastic bag budget on a fucking app-controlled toothbrush or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be, jesus christ

Shit, an emulator getting taken down for… actual copyright infringement? You don’t see that every day.

Well your corp don’t dance and if it don’t dance then it’s no friend of mine

“Djinn”, specifically, being the correct word choice. We’re way past fun-loving blue cartoon Robin Williams genies granting wishes, doing impressions of Jack Nicholson and getting into madcap hijinks. We’re back into fuckin’… shapeshifting cobras woven of fire and dust by the archdevil Iblis, hiding in caves and slithering out into the desert at night to tempt mortal men to sin. That mythologically-accurate shit.

And why do we bake cookies but cook bacon?

does that mean that 36x10²⁵ Scaramuccis is equal to one ronnaRonna?

Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, Florida

Holy shit. I’ve figured it out. I’ve cracked the master plan.

“Um, excuse me, stolen classified documents piled high to the rafters in my bathroom? I believe that’s the New York attorney general’s bathroom, athankyouverymuch. Case dismissed!”

This makes the fairly generous assumption that the man is capable of planning, but whatever.

I was gonna make some joke like “is one of them ‘being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17?’”, but then I went to actually read the article, missed the “Continue Reading” button, and mistook the list of “Trending Now” links at the bottom of the page for the qualifying factors… I was very confused as to why:

1. Your 50-year-old mom building a $1.3B startup
2. Being a 29-year-old making $125,000 working in tech without a bachelor’s degree
3. The value of bitcoin being ‘halved’, or
4. Nvidia stock prices soaring over the past 5 years

Would qualify someone for debt forgiveness. Hell, I was confused why your billionaire mom would let you take out student loans to begin with. I thought billionaires loved nepotism. And who’s this guy with student loans without a bachelor’s degree? Needless to say, I had assumed the whole administration had lost its mind.

(“being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17” is not, explicitly, one of the 17 factors.)

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