Personal favorite is twat waffle
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
“Do you need a sign to wear?”
If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.
Also a bonus:
- don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!
(They had to say mister)
“The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”
The best part? My friend’s dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.
Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.
There are people who did not stand at the front of the line when intelligence was gifted . But that guy wasn’t even invited at all…
What are you for?
Have heard some great ones in Glasgow. The best part of you slid down the inside of yer mother’s leg.
Go suck a tampon dry
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
But I’m a genius in France!
We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is “They couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery”.
My personal variation, “couldn’t organise a pissup in a pissupery”.
Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel
“Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?” - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.
I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)
Me either, which really makes it even better… could be both.
I go with “Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?” But its really the same joke.
