I really think the important thing to understand is that most people get a sense of satisfaction by treating someone else as ‘lesser’ or ‘other’, in a way that pushes down their own insecurities.
This is one of those things that I’ve just worked on expecting and disregarding. I don’t seem to have much of the neural wiring that would supposedly make me feel good by treating someone else poorly. It’s not my responsibility to get someone else’s behaviour on track.
I’m pretty sure I’m better for it, and I have stopped expecting acceptance (or tolerance) from people who lead with their emotions when evaluating others’ worth.
I cringe every time I have to hear an allistic person talk down to me, so I get it. I think they sometimes even mean well, which I’m not sure is better or worse.
Most don’t, to be fair, but I’ve mostly found a way to be around like-minded (and some officially like-diagnosed) people in my personal and work life to minimize the problem. Helps me realize I’m not some isolated alien, just wired differently and I’m not alone.
you are absolutely not alone
Yeah, I tried to emphasize that it’s not a super common thing. But it does bug me when it happens, and I was thinking about it today. I’m happy to hear you have figured out a way to be more comfortable in the world.
“Neurotypicals never learn masking, because they have never had to.”
Kinda bullshit.
First off, I love your username. Secondly, you’re right. It’s a generalization. For the sake of clarity, I could have written it as, “Most neurotypical people don’t learn masking to the extent that neurodiverse people generally need to, because the natural behaviour of neurotypical people is more readily accepted by their peers and society at large. Hence the moniker neurotypical.”
The thing is, I don’t really edit my blog posts. I just write a thing and hit publish. I thought the subject matter might interest some people in this community, so I shared the link. I didn’t think about it very long. It is absolutely appropriate to call me out for a poorly-worded assertion, and I thank you for the feedback. I will keep it in mind going forward.
That might depend on the definition of “masking” (and whether it includes a component of an abnormally high degree of faking), but in any case there’s definitely a spectrum where some people are forced to work harder to maintain a more “normal” appearance than others.
Like body height, we all lie on that spectrum somewhere or another, and where we lie on it makes some things easier and other things harder.
What the blog writer seems to be asking for is a greater level of accommodation for differences that would affect the entire spectrum, but particularly those who are currently hurt by it the most.
You are technically right that we all need to it though.
One thing with my current bout of unemployement is I have never been so disencentivized to mask/conform as the way my country currently is.
Ouch I am so sorry to hear that. Yes the world is most decidedly very far from being “fair”, since some have made it their life’s effort to tilt it in the certain ways that most benefit them:-(. e.g. The Musk affects us all, though some more than others:-(.
I totally get where you’re coming from and have been in the same positions with similar thoughts, but I’ll also offer a different perspective, maybe it’ll be interesting.
Anyway, I’m also often masking so well people won’t “catch” me in ordinary situations (just clock me as weird like you described), which means I’m kind of stretched thin constantly. Sometimes when they end up talking down to me it actually makes me feel kinda relieved, if that makes any sense. Given very low expectations I can easily fulfill because I’m so much more, instead of endlessly demanding emotional responses I just don’t have.
Also honestly it’s way easier to manipulate people when they expect you to be less than you are. I’m mentally sort of an outsider just observing and reacting to others, so after many years of observing I know and can recognize all sorts of patterns people have, and use them to get what I want. If they’re condescending I can even get sort of mean satisfaction out of it, seeing if I can get them “dance” without them even noticing. Though I usually choose my face-to-face interactions just by what is the easiest path since I’m tired
I sort of feel the same way. May have taken inspiration from Calvin at some point.
