Please be civil in the comments.
If you were attracted to them pre transition and post that by definition makes you bisexual or pansexual. I will also echo everyone else saying that these labels don’t mean much and could easily become a cage. Their fundamentally just words you use to help others understand, not something you need to pin down and then execute. Let your heart and relationship become whatever feels right, and only THEN use words to describe it to others.
More important than labels is being supportive, careful and judgment free for your partner. Speaking as a trans woman who started transition during a long term relationship. Any confusion and concerns you may have, I assure you are exponentially larger for him. It’s okay if this is no longer the relationship you signed up for, but please for the love of life, don’t berate, challange or express disgust toward him. This is a very vulnerable time and speaking carelessly will cause lasting harm. My ex and I went to pride parades, but when I came out suddenly I was a disgusting pervert. Again it’s okay to leave if being with him no longer sparks joy, but don’t scorch the earth on the wya out.
Do we call post-transition to medical/surgical transition or to period after coming out as trans. When I first met him, he was tomboyish in dressing - no piercing (like ear or nose, that we commonly see on women). Behavior wise quite non-expressive. After his coming out. I initiated if he wants to meet specialists for medical or surgical help. He refused with disgust while counter questioning - “Would that make me more trans?”. I don’t know if he’s still in his cocoon or a grown butterfly.
Medical transition is a whole separate hemisphere of trans life. Despite what most media depictions imply, the majority of trans folk never pursue surgery. Trans folk have always existed, long before medical options were possible. It’s even more recent for them being wildly available. I think most of the community would agree that transition begins when you decide to start pursuing something else, not necessarily after egg crack/coming out/hormones/surgery.
He refused with disgust while counter questioning - “Would that make me more trans?”
Well… good! I am super happy for him! It would be far worse if he felt he had get surgery since that means he’d been suffering.
Honestly this isn’t unusual. I myself did only social transition before deciding ~6 months later to start HRT. Fundamentally he is on a super healthy wave length. We can’t always control how the world perceives us, but so long as you know yourself and are supported by the people who matter, then everything else is just noise.
Transition is all about finding a better way to exist, if he doesn’t feel the need to do any sort of physical changes, that is great! If he changes his mind someday, also great! That day never comes? Still great! The reality of transition is baby steps into something new, then stopping to reflect on if that helped. Him coming out to you sounds like one of those steps. Up to him to decide the one after that. There truly is no wrong answer.
Since you already talking about medical transition, I think you should make it clear that if he does decide to do that, you’ll support him. And then never bring it up again. He knows its an option but you don’t want him to feel like it is an expectation. It’s not for everybody and surgery itself is in no way a reflection of “how trans you are”. We’re all different.
It all happened two weeks ago, I didn’t talk to him for whole day after that conversation. Next day, things eased off and everything returned to normal but we never talked about that conversation ever again. I don’t think bringing that up is necessary. There are several other ways to express that my love and respect for him has increased even more.
Honestly? Who cares? It’s a label. I had a label on me that said I was a banana the other day (because my kid found it funny to move the sticker)
Sounds a lot like something a banana would say…
EXACTLY!!1 all bananas act and believe the same things so you should never trust them.
DON’T LISTEN TO BIG BANANA’S PROPAGANDA SHEEPLE!!!
lol
Why wouldn’t you just be bi? From the description you would have been attracted to both male and female partners so bi would be appropriate.
Bi is the only completely certain sexual orientation—everything else is potentially contingent on the set of people we’ve met so far.
Don’t stress over labels. They don’t fit anyone perfectly.
I would think you’d be bisexual.
Short answer: you’d be in a gay relationship (assuming you identify as male). Whether you take the label “homosexual” or not is up to you. The labels matter less than you and your partner communicating well.
I can speak from experience here, because this actually happened to me!
My partner (born female) and I married in our late 20s. He was already casually gender non-confirming before we married, and I described myself as hetero-flexible. His transition was rather gradual, with no strict coming-out event, but it was something we discussed openly. After he began presenting as male on work settings, I began identifying myself as bisexual.
It worked out very well. As the person above noted, you can really call yourself whatever. If you wanted to, you could identify as straight with an exception made for a single person. Although I would advise against it, as your partner might take some offense, and it confuses people if you identify in a way that conflicts with your long term partnership. Most co-workers assume I’m gay because I’m married to a man, and I don’t bother to correct them.
Sometimes it comes up, because my husband and I have a biological son together, which isn’t a secret. Sometimes when taking about him and genetics, it leads me to explaining all of this. But as you can see, it’s unusual, but not that hard to explain.
They change their presenting gender, but not their sex so I don’t think it’s accurate to call yourself homosexual.
I don’t think there is any reason to label it personally
I feel like when you fall in love with someone, you grow to love their features that can’t change too, like their eyes. You would still love these things after transition. I imagine it’s still something you can’t predict until you’re in that situation and see for yourself. I’m also asexual and it’s different for us, so just a heads up.
The fact that you framed them as “biological” rather than “assigned” makes me question your motivation for asking.
I was about to say that. Biological-female and biological-male is a form of misgendering that is far too common and an innacurate way of describing someone’s sex or gender.
And there are people who do it maliciously, but it’s also pretty common for well-meaning advocates to do it before they learn. That seems to be OPs case, at least on the surface of it.
Never meant to imply that it was malicious, just that it’s common and should be pointed out more often.
If you’re attracted to women, and still thinking of him as a woman, probably not. But also it’s a homosexual relationship.
Labels don’t actually mean anything, though.
I’m surprised nobody mentioned romance.
If you mean sexually attracted, the most immediate label to suit the situation may be bisexual. But if you mean romantically, and body type/genitalia doesn’t matter much, then you would fall under Ace - Asexual, but there are many predefined labels if you wanted to use them. Demisexuals’ sexual attraction is tied to their romantic interest, for example.
For a while now i have identified as panromantic, omnisexual and in a queer relationship. I allow myself to be defined because that is my preference for now.
I don’t know. That’s for you to decide.
Assuming both you and your partner ‘read’ as male the world will presume you’re a gay couple. That’s not necessarily true, you’d become a same-sex couple and ‘gay’ is more a way of describing an individual’s sexual orientation. Whether or not that’s yours too is for you to decide.
It’s easy to say you shouldn’t care about how people see and/or label you but we live in a society and people judge and draw conclusions. We are all sensitive to this to at least some extent. There’s no shame in that and I hope your partner can also understand that while they become their true self this also changes your relationship and the way you see yourself. I hope you can talk about this together in honesty and with love.
If you find you’re struggling I would highly recommend you speak to a therapist who knows their stuff or find a support group. You’re not the first one to walk this path and it may prove valuable to connect with others who understand this first hand.
Your partner deserves all the love and support but so do you.
As a side note, I am wholly assuming good intentions here so no worries but using ‘biological’ is not typically seen as a positive phrasing in this context. I would use ‘assigned female at birth’ (AFAB) or ‘identified previously as female’, though I would also check with my partner as they may have their own lingo.Our identities and labels are something for ourselves to decide. There are no rules that forces any labels on you. You can be homosexual if you feel that fits you. Other might be bisexual or pansexual. Or you can still consider yourself heterosexual.
Your sexuality is not determined by the identity of others. Your partner changing their identity or sexuality does not change your sexuality. Remember, it is just a label. A label is meant to be descriptive of you and allow easier communication of how you see yourself.
Pick a label that you think makes sense for you. Don’t let others decide it for you based on their identity.
I should mention that likewise your sexuality does not determine your partner’s identity. You can be heterosexual and be attracted to him. The label does not change reality. It is just a general descriptor.
Its just a fucking label, it doesn’t strictly have to ‘make sense’ in every context. Just describe you in general.
I say yes, you would be homosexual. But do you care?
